When People Suck . . .

People Suck When . . .

Mar
15

Scrape My Horn – A Eulogy of Romance

Posted under Lost Causes by Angry Lioness

I sometimes wonder if chivalry and romance have died off completely. Are we so despondent as a society that a $5 card from Wal-Mart passes as a Romantic Gesture?  Don’t get me wrong, a card is nice, but how much of yourself really goes into it?  Do you really sit and read the cards until you find one that seems to suck the emotion out of your soul and say to yourself, “This is the one; this is the card to give the love of my life”. I didn’t think so.
Do men honestly believe that a woman wants to hear things like, “Hey baby, Wanna scrape my horn?”  Or, perhaps more boldly and with even less class, “Wanna F*ck?” or “Lets Bump Uglies & lick stinkies”, or any range of other ridiculous statements.

Really?   REALLY?

This is your choice statement for expressing your wanton desire to someone you supposedly love? This is your idea of turning your lady on, of igniting her passion until her most primal instincts swell within her and she is unable to contain herself any longer . . . Um, NO. What this does, dear sir, is cause your lady to roll her eyes and if she can even bring herself to “Do the deed”, she’ll fake an orgasm like you faked romance.

Gentlemen, let me take a moment to crudely explain something to you in terms that you can understand,  A woman is like a frying pan, you have to heat her up before you stick your meat in.

If you want a woman to rock your world, to take your every desire into consideration, you can start by telling her you appreciate all the things she does for you, that you find her beauty to be unsurpassed. You can start by making her feel like she’s important to you, rather than an afterthought. That while you may have had other woman in the past, there’s no comparison to what you have Now, with her; And if….. IF You don’t believe that, than Jack, just do her a favor, open the damn door, walk through it and don’t let it hit you in the backside on your way out, because she doesn’t need another intolerable, inconsiderate, self absorbing ass in her life, I can guarantee she’s experienced too many of those already.

Mar
04

If only I had Lilapsophobia . .

Posted under I'm Over It by Angry Lioness

Lilapsophobia- the one affliction I’ve never had to endure. Lilapsophobia is the fear of Tornadoes (and/or hurricanes).

A few days ago as I was crossing state lines down south, the storm tracker broke through the middle of a good country song with another tornado warning. My son listened to the report intently and promptly grabbed his cell phone and called my mother to relay his fear of our impending deaths.

According to the news break, we were driving directly in the path of an oncoming twister that had reportedly already destroyed several houses, plucked the roofs off like tufts of ripe cotton in a field. I could feel the power of the storm, the hairs on my arm had risen to greet the electricity in the air, yet I was unable to share his concern.

I calmly reminded my children of their tornado training- if we pull over fast, get the hell out of the truck, lay down in the deepest part of the ditch and cover your head with your hands, don’t look up and don’t get. Of course, they were already aware of what to do; they have tornado drills at school. While I relayed these tidbit reminders, I quickly grabbed my camera, checking to make sure the battery wouldn’t give out on me should I be given the chance to snap an amazing shot.

As we moved deeper within the super cell, thunder vibrated the truck with a deafening roar that tickled the hairs on the back of my neck, lighting streaking across the sky – splintered crackling fingers of power stretching to reach the earth. I smiled, silently reminding myself that it was myth that lightening strikes the tallest target, she hits whatever she pleases.

I could see the kids were getting more nervous and I chatted with them to allay their fears, but I was beginning to feel exhilarated. My pulse quickening with each lightening strike as they lit up the sickly-greenish black sky. The rain suddenly becoming fierce, a river against the windshield and visibility was less than a car length. Another breaking warning, this time with sirens running in the background of the station but I didn’t hear the update I was enthralled with the watching the quarter size hail that was hammering down from above, forming in rough piles alongside the road.

Beside me the puppy whined, my ears popped, twice within a moments time – my eyes frantically scanning all directions, watching for debris or the telltale funnel, wanting to chase the storm, stay in the center of it, but knowing that I couldn’t allow the kids to remain in the path.

A few moments later, the kids were within the safety of a building, I ventured back outside, face to the sky, eyes closed, breathing in all in, enjoying the stentorian wind as it roared around my body, tangling my hair. Without further warning the sky opened up and the downpour began once more.

Forced to go inside, I longed to to remain in the storm, alas, I was held back.

Feb
11

The Inferno: Nine Circles of Hell

Posted under I'm Over It by Angry Lioness

The Inferno: Nine Circles of Hell – here we go again, one of those lovely internet surveys we all love to hate. <G>

First Circle

Are you religious?

I’m very spiritual, let’s put it that way.

Do you believe in an afterlife?

Yes, along with reincarnation, and several other things.

Do you criticize other religions?

Tough one. I don’t criticize Anyone’s religion or beliefs, what I criticize is how some of them often like to Shove it down other’s throats and completely disregard that we all have a right to our own beliefs and spiritual path. While I’m at, may I point out that I don’t believe any one path is right or just. If it’s what you believe in your heart of hearts, that’s what happens.

Do you think that believing in an ultimate being is dumb?

No, but I believe that question was idiotic. If there isn’t something higher than humanity- we’re all Fucked.

Second Circle

Is your body sacred, or is it a toy?

Depends on who you ask. It’s sacred to me. But I’m sure there are plenty people out there that would view it as a toy to play with and toss away without second thought.

Do you think having sex is something to be proud of?

Sex isn’t about Pride.

Do you find yourself constantly having romantic thoughts?

I’m over romance, that’s a girls pipe dream.

Would you date someone who is sexually active?

Again, who writes this shit?

What is your favorite part of a romantic TV show, movie, or book?

hopefully the happy ending.

Are you constantly craving sexual satisfaction?

lol… a wise person once defined Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man

Third Circle

What is something you find yourself constantly wanting?

peace.

Do you reward yourself?

sure, with more work.

Do you heal hurt feelings with food?

nah, I heal them by cleaning- scrubbing the house until it shines.. or by exercising until I nearly vomit. Very cathartic.

Do you overeat?

no. I fear my fat.

Fourth Circle

What is your favorite object?

I don’t have one, but my photos mean a lot to me.

If your house was on fire, would you save this object?

Yes.

Would you sell this object if a million dollars was offered for it?

no.

Why is this object important to you?

photographs mean everything to me, without them I’d lose the rest of my memories.

Fifth Circle

If someone talked smack about you, what would you do?

Well now, I guess it depends on the situation. If someone wants to run their mouth, then by all means, go for it. I’m a big girl, I can handle your bullshit.

Do you fight with words or punches?

depends on the fight, Who or What I am fighting for.  I’ve fought with both.

Do you find yourself saying mean things to people over the internet that you wouldn’t say in real life?

Nope, what you see is what you get. In case you haven’t already noticed, I say how I feel and I mean what I say.

If someone dissed something you worked hard on, what would you do?

Nothing, fuck’em if they can’t grasp what’s important to me. What would you have me do, crawl into fetal position and cry on the floor hoping for acceptance and love?? I’m over it. I’ve accepted I’m not Mary Poppins, Have you?

Forgive and forget, or forget to forgive?

Once again, depends on the situation.

Sixth Circle

What illegal or sacreligious activites do you practice?

none.

Are you rebellious against your religions’ teachings?

No, I accept them with in perfect love and perfect trust.

Have you ever felt the desire to practice witch craft?

okee dokee, laughing my ass off now, Yeah- you might say that, since I am openly Pagan, that is, per say A WITCH.  I believe in a balance, a God and a Goddess. I worship the seasons, the earth and her gifts, the ancient ones.

Seventh Circle

Do you have violent thoughts about the person you hate?

not any more.  “Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated” (CS.King)

Have you ever wanted to kill someone?

I’ve wanted someone dead…  Could I have taken their life… probably.

Who was the last person you hit?

I don’t know his name, but I think he learned his hand didn’t belong on My Ass.

What weapon would you want if you entered a Battle Royale situation (basically, where you hafta kill your classmates and friends)?

Another utterly ridiculous question.

Have you ever wanted to take a martial arts class?

sure

Eighth Circle

Do you do things you know are bad?

I have.

Would you work for a corrupt association that paid you big bucks?

I wouldn’t.

Ninth Circle

Would you rather be a traitor against your friends or family?

family, many of them have betrayed me. You know what they say, you can choose your friends, not your family.

When is it an alright time to betray your loved ones?

there isn’t.

How do you feel when someone betrays you?

like a piece of my soul has died.

Feb
10

The Sour Grapes Survey (aka Valentines Day Survey)

Posted under I'm Over It by Angry Lioness

The Sour Grapes Survey (aka Valentines Day Survey)

1. Are you single or taken?

Taken
2. Chocolate or flowers?

Chocolate Covered Flowers.
3. Will you do anything special for Valentines Day?

Um, lemme think, No.
4. Do you like anyone?

Would this be a valentines ques?? No, not particularly, this week I don’t really like too many people at all… don’t like the bitch at walmart that wouldn’t let me buy shoes, dont like the neighbors dog that shit on my walkway again, crap, I’m digressing.
5. Were you dating anyone last Valentines?

Married then, married now
6. What would be your dream Valentines date?

Valentines is just another commercialized shit hole day. (Hmm… **Note to Self**I should start a page on cynicism)
7. Do you make a big deal about Valentines?

See above

8. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

I suppose that’s a secret. All kidding aside,  I very seriously doubt it.

9. Would you ever write someone a love letter?

ayuh. (For all you southerner’s that’s a Yes)

10. Do you believe in Cupid?

um, lemme think, no. But I did see a man in diapers carrying a bow on Jerry Springer once…. does that count?
11. Do your parents give you presents on Valentines?

When I was a kid I think they gave me a little box of chocolates once or twice.

12. Do you still send out Valentines cards?

yes, I do. I send them to people that need a smile/hug, so they dont end up bitter like me.
13. Do you like candy hearts?

um, not particularly. They’re cute and funny, but they taste like shit.
14. What is something you got last Valentines?

?????? a card.
15. Is Valentines depressing?..

nope.
16. How do you feel about PDA?

Dont Care.
17. How is your love life?

just Peachy.
18. Have you ever been dumped on Valentines?

Nope.
19. How many roses would you want?

None. I prefer Carnations, they smell better, they last longer and they’re 1/4 of the price, They mean Much more to me than roses ever will.
20. Will you have a boyfriend next Valentine?

Ahh… re-read #1.

Jan
19

Religious A S S H O L E S

Posted under Things that Piss me Off by Angry Lioness

People who push their religion onto others are A S S H O L E S.  I am so sick and tired of tip-toeing around so I don’t offend someone. You know what, when a Ja-Ho-Ho knocks on my door during dinner with my family to drop off a pamphlet, he doesn’t appear to be overly concerned whether he is offending me, so from now on SCREW the Religious Zealots that aren’t happy unless they’re cramming their beliefs down someone else’s throat.
I was watching the news this evening, Yet ANOTHER Baptist Minister was caught soliciting a 13 yr old boy (undercover cop) for sex by sending him photos of little boys ages 5-10 having sex! Not only was he a Baptist minister the disgusting Douche Bag was ALSO a Teacher.

Why can’t we implement a DEATH Penalty for Sexual Predators? If they are concerned about who is going to pull the plug, push the button, flip the switch, etc, I’ll be more than happy to do it. You don’t even have to put a hood over their face, I would have no problem watching their eyeballs pop out, burst or their hair catch on fire.

All in all, I have NO problem with any religion or Spiritual path. I think EVERYONE should have Something higher than themselves (or humanity) to believe in. I don’t believe any one path it the “right” path. If it’s what you believe and it’s what gets you through the day, then it’s right for you.
With that said, if you are so insecure about your faith that you have to try to recruit others, then you SUCK & your religion SUCKS.  I call it insecurity- why?
Because it’s like asking a girlfriend to go with you to the john when you’re in a restaurant; you need someone to do the same thing as you, be there with you because you’re afraid your choice is WRONG. It’s like you’re saying “hold my hand and believe what I believe so I know I am right.”

GGGRRRRRRRR.

Business and Religion do NOT make Good Bed Fellows. There is nothing more of a turn off then going into a business to see Crosses hung on every wall, The Last Supper covered in cobwebs and dust.  Besides the fact that you spend your time as a consumer wondering if that’s their actual belief or is it a cheap Marketing ploy because they’re located within the “Bible Belt”.
Ok, so I recently found out from a Southern Gal that she finds it comforting to see Crosses hung in public places, she is able to take comfort in those. I personally had never thought of it that way, mainly because I don’t see them as a comfort.
Recently dh and I went to dinner and there was a cross hanging above every table, I wasn’t comforted. I was grossed out, all I picture when I see a cross is a guy NAILED to it, blood dripping from his hands and feet, sweat & tears running down his dirt dusted body, pain and suffering because, according the story, he was basically slaughtered.

As a child I was once sent to visit my Biological Father  Sperm Donor “Father”, his newest wife was Catholic and her mother was ill. I remember being in a musty old lady house, crosses hung throughout the entire house, a pained expression on the tormented face. I was sent to bed one night with a 3 foot cross hanging over the bed, while the ailing mother whom I’d never seen struggled to breathe through a tube in her throat in the next room over- sounding like a straw sucking the last drops of lemonade from the bottom of an empty glass. That slurpy dripping noise of impending death and that freak-ass cross hanging above my head, mildew & mouse urine laden blankets assaulting my nose and mice squeaking as they ran rampant through the unkempt halls.  I dreamt of demons that night, deep red razor backed demons with gold eyes and fangs and I’ll never forget it.

That’s what I see when I see a cross- Pain, Fear, Death,  not hope, not Love, not strength and certainly not Comfort.

And you know what; it’s not very fucking appetizing.

Jan
15

they charge you an arm and a leg. . .

Posted under Mary Fuckin' Poppins' by Angry Lioness

The fam and I thought it would be a great idea to check out the circus. After all, it’s not everyday you can see The Ringling Brothers- Barnum & Bailey show!   While the performance was absolutely WONDERFUL, very well choreographed and the animals appeared to be in excellent health and well taken care of, the Prices of the Food were Outrageous!

As we entered we got the normal post 9/11 treatment, empty your pockets, open your bags, hand over your camera etc. After the usual shakedown (which appeared to be more to prevent poor moms from bringing in water or snacks for their kids), we were permitted to enter. The lady behind us was forced to toss out a candy bar, a pack of gum and her new bottle of water.

We thought we’d be smart, we ate before we went and figured we’d allow each of our kids 1 treat- after all, the ticket prices for the circus ranged from $22-74 per PERSON just to get in the door. It didn’t take long for that Idea to shit the bed.

* A small box of popcorn $7.
* a Medium Lemonade $9.
* 1 Bag of Cotton Candy, $12. I SHIT you NOT. $12- and it wasn’t a large bag, it was smaller than a short loaf of gooey store bought-bread.
* Hamburger- No Cheese $6.
* Bottle of Water $3.25

Okay, it’s hot, it’s dry, theres a zillion people, our throats are parched. Ok, bite the bullet, we’ll buy a water and refill it. Haha, the joke is on us, a bottle of water is $3.25 and the bathrooms only have mist hand wash systems (good luck filling a bottle with that!). Not a single drinking fountain in the place and if you ask a concession stand vendor to please fill your bottle, they laugh and say, uh, No.

So now we’re inside, at our seats and the junk food peddlers are pushing their wares. . . and all I can hear is ‘ puh-cowen, puh-cowen, hut puh-cow-un heeah.”  I leaned over to my hubby and asked him what the hell they were saying. He translated “Popcorn, Popcorn, Hot Popcorn Here”.

MMM… Kayyyyy. Silly me, I wave him down and ask how much.. and he’s all too busy telling me what a bargain I’m getting. Whoa, wait a minute, back the train up… I didn’t say I was buying the shit, I asked HOW MUCH IS IT….

$7.00 . Yeah SEVEN Dollars… for the same amount you get in a microwave popcorn bag for .23 cents – and just as stale. I don’t think so.

We continue watching the show, enjoying the talents of the cast members, with the peddlers moving in and out of the rows time and time again.  I nearly lost it when the lady in front of us shelled out $24 for 2 tiny bags of Cotton Candy.  Apparently she must be rolling in the :dough: to be able to spend that kind of money on 2 bags of Cotton Candy. I had to laugh when ds pointed out we could rent a cotton candy machine for a day for that price.

What happened to the days of the entire family going to an event, having a hot dog or 2, a can of pop, a bag of chips and some sort of fried or sweet treat? These days, if you can afford tickets to get it to a show, you’re counting your pennies to make sure you’ll have enough Fumes in your gas tank to make it back home again afterwards.

Jan
14

Blue Laws…

Posted under Things that Piss me Off by Angry Lioness

So here it is, a beautiful Sunday morning, the Sun is shining, it’s 60+ degrees, and dh Finally has a day off. We have a bunch of errands to run, need a few groceries, and hubby needs some steel toe boots for work.

Fine… we go into walmart, spend half an hour digging through the shit on the shelves trying to find a pair that fit and Finally… FINALLY we find a pair that’s relatively comfortable. Another 15 minutes later, we have some half decent, albeit expensive, insoles to go with them. Grab a few more groceries, gallon of milk and we’re at the register.

The cashier looks up with a blank look on her face and holds up my husbands shoes… “You can buy these before 1:30 pm”.

me:   Um, I’m sorry What the Fuck??

She says, “You can’t buy shoes before 1:30 pm”.

I said, yes ma’am, I heard you the first time, WHY Not??

her: “Well the Blue Law.”

me: Okay, I’ll bite, what the hell is the BLUE Law??

Her: “Well, you shouldn’t be shopping, you should be at church. Since your not, you cant buy any merchandise- no shoes, clothes, electronics, etc. Just groceries.”

:rtfm: Um, Ex-Fucking-Scuse Me????

She said, “Well, it’s like liquor or alcohol, you cant buy it before 1:30pm”

Well, that’s just flipping Ducky dearie,  but I’m pretty sure I’m not going to drink my work boots!!!

“Well, that laws been in effect for over a hundred years and that’s just how it is”.  :yank:

So we finished ringing up and left the work shoes, the insoles and a fucking thermometer behind (yeah, apparantly you cant buy a thermometer when you have the goddamn flu, because you should be in CHURCH not Shopping!). At that particular moment I felt likeburning down the nearest congregation.

Fuckers.

Jan
13

. . . the dont put out.

Posted under Things that Piss me Off by Angry Lioness

Are you thinking that was a sexual statement? Well, it’s not. It’s about those moronic companies that we all pay hundreds of dollars to each year – that claim they will provide “insert whatever service floats your boat here”, only to find that they DONT PUT OUT. It’s all a big crock of shit isn’t it?

For example, I pay (alot) of money for a dedicated server. A few days ago I get an email that their server was experiencing issues and they “lost” some data, despite the backups- which incidentally were also lost. So… if I would be so kind, would I log into my account and create new ones with a new file name.

For Christsake’ I suppose, if I have to. I think I’d rather have teeth pulled with novacaine, but okay, fine. Shit happens. So, of course I log into my server only to find that the backup is now corrupt and will no longer function. So, I send out an email back to support to let them know their “issues” certainly aren’t fixed. This is 5 fucking days ago… I have called 11 Times. .. Do you mean to tell me that they can’t get the lead out of their asses and reset the back up server in FIVE DAYS TIME????

So, I call again this morning, not only is the back-up not functioning, but neither are any of the mailing lists. I have over 12,000 people on my email list that are expecting Newsletters but can I get them out, OHhhhhh NOOOOOO. (Yeah, that was as frigging sarcastic as I could get it to sound without adding a friggin’ sound byte.)

So, we are heading into Day 6 of “My hosting Company Techs have their fingers up their asses, yet they still won’t Put OUT.

~Pissed Off Lioness

Jan
12

. . . They don’t provide what you paid for . . .

Posted under Things that Piss me Off by Angry Lioness

You pay a goddamn fortune for web hosting only to have their server crash, or your “backup” files erased. Then, when you call the tech line, some guy in god knows what frigging country answers, doesn’t speak a word of English & can’t help you because “the technicians are not available”. Assuming that is actually what they said, because who the hell can decipher, “IyimmsoVirySoiree, theeetechyneeshunss keeeNootT heelpuyoo.”

Grrrrrr. Score 1 for the tiger that ate the little bastard that aggravated him at the zoo. If only we were all so lucky.
Add

Jan
11

What’s their Job?

Posted under Things that Piss me Off by Angry Lioness

I’ve been here several months, just bought the place, relocated from halfway across the frigging country.  Low and behold, although I’ve found a beautiful piece of property (once I got the bulldozed mess cleaned up- a long story best kept for another day!), I contacted the phone company about setting up internet service- Dial Up- of all things. Yet another long story.

So the “tech” – and I use that term loosely, sets up the account, but screws it up, adding a digit in front of the username. No problem he tells me, I’ll take care of it. I say, ” no worries, I don’t mind that I’ve already been on the phone 43 minutes to CREATE a username” (that should take about 5 minutes), but hell I didn’t say a word.  Get my first months bill- they double charge me for the service. Call them up and in my most patient manner I can muster, I explain the error. No worries, they’ll credit me on Next Months bill, but I have to Pay THIS bill, ($76 in error!) in full. Ooookay.

I pay the damn bill. Next Months Bill comes, same issue- they’ve double billed me, only this time, they bill me for a second line as well. Again, I spend nearly an hour on the phone, finally they state that it will be credited, NEXT Month, but I must pay this bill in full.

Next Months Bill arrives, it is now November, they credit me for double charging in Sept and October but then turn around and Double Charge me On top of the Credit for the previous Months! Are you fucking Shitting me???

After another 28 minutes on the phone I am assured that this will NOT happen again. (Yeah, want to fucking bet?)

So I just get ANOTHER Phone bill, by now I have OVERPAID $166. and have been credited back $33.  Now, the bill shows a credit to Dec 1, but then Double Charges me for 2 accounts during the month of December. So I call, the customer service lady is quite thrilled to pass me through to Internet billing- apparantly she didn’t need a new asshole (and I was more than ready to rip her one), Internet Billing lady then explains that, “Why Yes, Ms. Angry Lioness, your account was cancelled, but the service rep didn’t have the authority to give you a credit, which will now appear on your NEXT bill. Please be sure to Pay THIS bill in full.

Yeah, I’ll get right on that, and while I’m at it, could you send me a mattress size cheeze grater and a kiddie pool full of alcohol so I have something to slide down?

Grrrrrr.